Islam, unlike other religions is a strong advocate of marriage. There is no place for celibacy like, for example the Roman Catholic priests and nuns. The prophet (pbuh) has said "there is no celibacy in Islam.
Marriage is a religious duty and is consequently a moral safeguard as well as a social necessity. Islam does not equal celibacy with high "taqwa" / "Iman". The prophet has also said, "Marriage is my tradition who so ever keeps away there from is not from amongst me".
Marriage acts as an outlet for sexual needs and regulate it so one does not become a slave to his/ her desires.
It is a social necessity because through marriage, families are established and the family is the fundamental unit of our society. Furthermore, marriage is the only legitimate or halal way to indulge in intimacy between a man and a woman.
Islam takes a middle of the road position to sexual relations , it neither condemns it like certain religions, nor does it allow it freely. Islam urges us to control and regulate our desires, whatever they may be so that we remain dignified and not become like animals.
The purpose of Marriage.
The word "zawj" is used in the Qur'an to mean a pair or a mate. In general it usage refers to marriage. The general purpose of marriage is that the sexes can provide company to one another, love to one another, procreate children and live in peace and tranquility to the commandments of Allah.
* Marriage serves as a means to emotional and sexual gratification and as a means of tension reduction. It is also a form of Ibadah because it is obeying Allah and his messenger - i.e. Marriage is seen as the only possible way for the sexes to unite. One could choose to live in sin, however by choosing marriage one is displaying obedience to Allah.
Marriage is "mithaq" - a solemn covenant (agreement). It is not a matter which can be taken lightly. It should be entered into with total commitment and full knowledge of what it involves. It is not like buying a new dress where you can exchange it if you don't like it. Your partner should be your choice for life. One should be mature enough to understand the demands of marriage so that the union can be a lasting one. For a marriage to be valid certain conditions must be met.
1) consent of both parties.
2) " Mahr" a gift from the groom to his bride.
3) Witnesses- 2 male or female.
4) The marriage should be publicized, it should never be kept secret as it leads to suspicion and troubles within the community.
Is Marriage obligatory?
According to Imams Abu Hanifah, Ahmad ibn Hanbal and Malik ibn Anas, marriage is recommendatory, however in certain individuals it becomes wajib/obligatory. Imam Shaafi'i considers it to be nafl or mubah (preferable). The general opinion is that if a person, male or female fears that if he/she does not marry they will commit fornication, then marriage becomes "wajib". If a person has strong sexual urges then it becomes "wajib" for that person to marry. Marriage should not be put off or delayed especially if one has the means to do so.
A man, however should not marry if he or she does not possess the means to maintain a wife and future family, or if he has no sex drive or if dislikes children, or if he feels marriage will seriously affect his religious obligation.
The general principle is that prophet (pbuh) enjoined up in the followers to marry.
He said "when a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion , so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half." This hadith is narrated by Anas. Islam greatly encourages marriage because it shields one from and upholds the family unit which Islam places great importance.
Selection of a partner:
The choice of a partner should be the one with the most "taqwa" (piety). The prophet recommended the suitors see each other before going through with marriage. It is unreasonable for two people to be thrown together and be expected to relate and be intimate when they know nothing of each other. The couple are permitted to look at each other with a critical eye and not a lustful one. This ruling does not contradict the ayah which says that believing men and women should lower their gaze.
- The couple, however are not permitted to be alone in a closed room or go out together alone. As the hadith says "when a man and a woman are together alone, there is a third presence i.e. shaitan.
- There is no concept of courtship in Islam as it is practised in the west. There is no dating or living in defacto relationship or trying each other out before they commit to each other seriously. There is to be no physical relationship what so ever before marriage. The romantic notions that young people often have, have proven in most cases to be unrealistic and harmful to those involved. We only have to look at the alarming divorce rate in the west to understand this point. e.g. the couple know each other for years, are intimate, live together and so on yet somehow this does not guarantee the success of the future marriage. Romance and love simply do not equal a everlasting bond between two people.
Fact: Romance and love die out very quickly when we have to deal in the real world. The unrealistic expectations that young people have is what often contributes to the failure of their relationship.
- The west make fun of the Islamic way of marriage in particular arranged marriage, yet the irony is that statistically arranged marriages prove to be more successful and lasting than romantic types of courtship.
This is because people are blinded by the physical attraction and thus do not choose the compatible partner.
Love blinds people to potential problems in the relationship. There is an Arabic saying: which says "the mirror of love is blind, it makes zucchini into okra". Arranged marriages on the other hand, are based not on physical attraction or romantic notions but rather on critical evaluation of the compatibility of the couple.
This is why they often prove successful.
Consent of parties.
There is a halal arranged marriage and a haram one. It is OK to arrange marriages by suggestion and recommendation as long as both parties are agreeable. The other arranged marriage is when parents choose the future spouse and the couple concerned are forced or have no choice in the matter.
One of the conditions of a valid marriage is consent of the couple.
Marriage by definition is a voluntary union of two people.
The choice of a partner by a Muslim virgin girl is subject to the approval of the father or guardian under Maliki school. This is to safeguard her welfare and interests. The prophet said "the widow and the divorced woman shall not be married until she has consented and the virgin shall not be married until her consent is obtained. The prophet did revoke the marriage of a girl who complained to him that her father had married her against her wishes.
The husband/wife relationship.
-The wifes rights - the Husbands obligations.
(1) Maintenance
The husband is responsible for the wifes maintenance. This right is established by authority of the Qur'an and the sunnah. It is inconsequen tial whether the wife is a Muslim , non-Muslim, rich, poor, healthy or sick. A component of his role as "qawam" (leader) is to bear the financial responsibility of the family in a generous way so that his wife may be assured security and thus perform her role devotedly.
The wifes maintenance entails her right to lodging, clothing, food and general care, like medication, hospital bills etc. He must lodge her where he resides himself according to his means. The wifes lodge must be adequate so as to ensure her privacy, comfort and independence.
If a wife has been used to a maid or is unable to attend to her household duties, it is the husbands duty to provide her with a maid if he can afford to do so. The prophet is reported to have said: The best Muslim is one who is the best husband.
(2) "Mahr "
The wife is entitled to a marriage gift that is her own. This may be prompt or deferred depending on the agreement between the parties. A marriage is not valid without mahr. It does not have to be money or gold. It can be non-material like teaching her to read the Qur'an. " Mahr" is a gift from the groom to the bride. This is the Islamic law, unlike some cultures whereby the brides parents pay the future husband to marry the daughter. This practice degrades women and is contrary to the spirit of Islam. There is no specification in the Qur'an as to what or how much the Mahr has to be. It depends on the parties involved.
(3) Non-material rights.
A husband is commanded by the law of Allah to treat his wife with equity, respect her feelings and show kindness and consideration, especially if he has another wife. The prophet last sermon stresses kindness to women.
The wife obligations - the Husbands rights.
One of the main duties of the wife is to contribute to the success and blissfulness of the marriage. She must be attentive to the comfort and wellbeing of her husband. The Qur'anic ayah which illustrates this point is:
"Our lord, grant us wives and offspring who will be the apples of our eyes and guide us to be models for the righteous"
The wife must be faithful, trustworthy and honest she must not deceive her husband by deliberately avoiding contraception. She must not allow any other person to have access to that which is exclusively the husband right i.e. sexual intimacy. She must not receive or entertain strange males in the house without his knowledge and consent. She should not be alone with a strange male. She should not accept gifts from other men without his approval. This is meant to avoid jealousy, suspicion and gossip. The husband possessions are her trust. She may not dispose of his belongings without his permission.
A wife should make herself sexually attractive to her husband and be responsive to his advances. The wife must not refuse her husband sexually as this can lead to marital problems and worse still - tempt the man to adultery. The husband of course should take into account the wifes health and general consideration should be given.
Obedience.
^^^^^^^^^
The purpose of obedience in the relationship is to keep the family unit running as smoothly as possible. The man has been given the right to be obeyed because he is the leader and not because he is superior. If a leader is not obeyed , his leadership will become invalid -Imagine a king or a teacher or a parent without the necessary authority which has been entrusted to them.
Obedience does not mean blind obedience. It is subject to conditions:
(a) It is required only if what is asked from the wife is within the permissible categories of action.
(b) It must be maintained only with regard to matters that fall under the husband rights.
THE MARRIAGE PROCESS IN ISLAM
The first thing we should look for when marrying is how committed the person is to Islam. Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said,
“A woman is normally sought as a wife for her wealth, beauty, nobility, or religiousness (adherence to Islam), but choose a religious woman and you will prosper.” (Muslim)
And he (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said,
“A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. You should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser. “(Bukhari)
And he (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said,
“The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman.” (Muslim)
The same holds true when looking for a husband, as the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said,
“When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks to marry your daughter, comply with his request. If you do not do so, there will be corruption and great evil on earth. ” (Tirmidhi)
Of course, both parties have to agree to marry one another and they can not be forced to marry one another. The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said,
“A woman whom has been previously married has more right concerning herself than her guardian, and a virgin’s consent must be asked about herself…” (Bukhari and Muslim)
Rules of Al-Khutbah (Request to marry a woman and the acceptance of the proposal)
The man has permission to see her face before agreeing to marry as the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said,
“Go and look at her (the woman you are considering marrying) because this will help your time together to be strengthened. ” ( Ahmad )
After a man and woman have agreed to marry, they have to remember that the man is still not her mahram (men prohibited to her, including her father, brothers, sons, maternal and paternal uncles, and nephews). This means they can not still deal with one another as partners in any way (such as shaking hands, gazing at one another, being alone together, going out together, etc.), or go out with one another as we see people in the west doing. Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said,
“Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him not have a private audience with a woman without her mahram. ” ( Ahmad )
The Wedding Ceremony (Nikaah)
Components
1 – Consent: ‘Aishah (may Allah be pleased with her) asked Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) if women must be asked for their permission of marriage. Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) replied, “Yes.” She (may Allah be pleased with her) said, ‘The virgin is asked for her permission but she gets shy. Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said,
“Her silence is her permission.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
2 – The Wallee (Woman’s Guardian): Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, “There is no nikaah except with a wallee. ” ( Ahmad , Abu Dawood, Tirmidhi)
3 – Two Witnesses: Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said,
“There is no marriage except with a wallee and trustworthy witnesses.” (Sahih- Bayhaqee)
Also, “There is no marriage except with a wallee and two witnesses. ” (Sahih Al-Jaami’)
4 – The Mahr (Dowry): Allah says (what means):
”And give to the women their dowry with a good heart, but if they out of their own good pleasure remit any part of it to you, take it and enjoy it without fear of any harm. ” (Al-Nisa 4:4)
The mahr can be of any amount, Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, “Look for one even if it was an iron ring.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
The woman is not obliged to give the man anything at the time of the wedding, as is done in some cultures.
Acts to be Avoided
We should be careful to not act as the disbelievers do regarding their mixing of men and women, wearing tuxedos and white wedding gowns, exchanging rings, kissing in public, etc. Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said,
“Whoever resembles a people is one of them.” (Abu Dawood)
After the Wedding
Supporting One’s Wife
The man is responsible for providing for his wife, as Allah says (what means),
“Let the wealthy man spend according to his means; and let the man whose provisions are restricted spend according to what Allah has given him. Allah does not burden a soul beyond what He has given it, and Allah will grant ease after a hardship. ” (Al-Talaq 65:7)
Islam even gives women the right to take secretly money from their husbands if the husbands are not providing for them. Hind, the wife of Abu Sufyan, came to Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) and said,
“O Messenger of Allah, Abu Sufyan is a stingy man and does not give me and my children enough provisions except when I take something from him with out his knowledge.” Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said,
“Take what is reasonably sufficient for you and your children.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
Educating One’s Family
Since the man has put in the position of providing for his family, he must also provide them with the proper Islamic education to keep them from the hellfire. Allah says (what means),
”O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones (that were worshipped), over it are appointed angels stern and severe, who disobey not the Commands they receive from Allah, but do that which they are commanded. ” (Al-Tahrim 66:6)
Both the husband and wife should make sure their home is a place where Allah is remembered and His Commandments are reflected and acted upon. Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said,
“The similitude of a home in which Allah is remembered and a home in which He is not is like the living and the dead.” (Muslim)
The Wife Obeying Her Husband
A woman must obey her husband as long as he does not tell her to perform any haraam(unlawful) acts. Allah says (what means),”
…the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in absence what Allah would have then guard. ” (Al-Nisa4:34)
Kind Treatment To One’s Wife
Just because Allah has given men a position of authority does not give them the right to abuse it. They have to treat their wives in the best manner. Allah says (what means), “Live with them honorably. ” (Al-Nisa 4:19)
Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said,
“The believer with the most complete faith is the one with the best character, and the best of them are those whom treat their women the best.” (Tirmidhi)
We can see from the seerah (biography) of Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) that he (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) would help his wives with housework and would engage in games with them as well.
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